But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize