ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
