GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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