I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
