he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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