After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm like, not good at living.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
