apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
