it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
whose parrot is this?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
