I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize