Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry about my life...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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