normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
