Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
