I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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