Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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