Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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