i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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