looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
