Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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