Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
