Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
