Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
