somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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