Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
