Someone shit on the floor
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
