Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
