life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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