I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
