gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
