I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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