Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize