I could make wine with my vomit
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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