honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
