Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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