The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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