see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
