Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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