Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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