you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
