he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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