Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
MIDGETS
????
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
