when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
