I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
