i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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