he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
