I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize