Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
