I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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