Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
