Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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