between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize