i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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