Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
