I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize