I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
