turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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