been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
