the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
