dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
