Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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