remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
