my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
