I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
