wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
